


Beyond Measure

by therumjournals



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multiple Partners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-19
Updated: 2009-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-17 20:33:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therumjournals/pseuds/therumjournals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk can't decide.</p><p>An angsty love story written in a series of 100-word drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Torn

**Post-Coital**

Jim lay on his back in the bed, taking deep, calming breaths.

Bones came out of the bathroom and lay next to him, running a hand through Jim's sweat-damp hair.

"Bones, there's something I have to tell you."

The hand in his hair stilled.

"What is it?"

"There's....there's something going on between me and Spock."

To Jim's surprise, Bones exhaled, sounding almost relieved, and resumed his soft stroking of Jim's hair. "Yeah...I kinda figured."

Jim squeezed his eyes shut. "But...I love _you_."

"I know,” said Bones, placing a soft kiss on his temple. “We're gonna have to figure something out."

  
 **Something in Nothing**

Actually, there was nothing going on between him and Spock. Nothing tangible, at least. There was only a smoldering, a burning ember that glowed in response to glances, tiny expressionless moments that charged every particle standing between them. There was something. Something even Bones had seen. A feeling of inevitability had stolen over Jim. He could hold himself back, as he had been, but it was like sliding down the ice slope on Delta Vega, and there was nothing that could stop the momentum that was carrying him, that would keep carrying him, until he slammed, full force, into something.

 **  
Mess Hall Therapy**

"Shouldn't I be on a couch for this?"  
"I thought you wanted advice, not therapy."  
"Still, I'd feel more comfortable discussing this from a couch."  
"Shut up. Now, let me get this straight. You love them both."  
"Yes."  
"But in different ways."  
"I...guess so?"  
"You don't want to give either one of them up."  
"I can't." His voice broke.  
"And you want me to come up with some brilliant, insightful solution that is going to solve all of your problems without anyone getting hurt."  
"Yes!"  
Uhura leaned over the table and looked him in the eye. "You're James T. Kirk."

  
 **Different Ways**

It was a safe bet that no one who’d actually met Dr. McCoy would describe his personality as “sunny.” And yet that was how Jim felt when he was around Bones, as if the sun had just risen, as if he was enveloped in the glow of an old-fashioned lamp, like the one in his childhood room. With Spock he imagined he would feel a darkness, but a safe darkness, as though he had pulled his well-worn comforter up over his head. Spock blocked out light, suppressed it, but Jim knew, just knew, that he could find his way in.

  
 **Rough**

Since he was James T. Kirk, matters of the heart always began with a fight.

He’d fought Bones because he was always so close, but never close enough, because there was drinking, then stumbling, arms around each other, and he had been scared of that closeness, and angry that it only came at moments like this.

And when he’d fought Spock, he was fighting the distance between them, he was fighting no-win scenarios, he was fighting for breath, and suddenly he was fighting a hot desire, and as soon as Spock’s hand was off his neck, he wanted it back.

  
 **Turbolift Therapy**

"Bridge."

"Just talk to them."  
"I can't."  
"You'll have to come to some sort of mutually agreed upon arrangement."  
"Are you out of your mind?"

**

"Bridge."

"Just make a choice."  
"I can't."  
"Then you'll have to give them both up."  
"Are you out of your mind?"

**

"Bridge."

"Someone is going to get hurt."  
"I know."  
"They would do anything for you."  
"That's what I'm afraid of."

**

"You're being very selfish."  
"I know."  
"That won't stop either of them from loving you."  
"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Captain, I don't think this is getting us anywhere."  
"Yeah. Bridge."

  
 **The First Time**

And then there was something. It was the Universe pushing them together. How else could Kirk explain the chance encounter with Spock in Engineering, in a dark corner under a mass of catwalks and wires. How else could he explain their hands brushing as they both reached for something, their shoulders brushing together, and then his hand reaching out to brush Spock’s hair off his forehead. Foreheads touching, then lips, finally, finally meeting softly, eyes closing. And there were no questions and no decisions to be made, because they both knew that this something had been a long time coming.

  
 **The Second Time**

Jim let the momentum carry him down the ice, straight to the door of Spock’s quarters. The door opened with a swoosh, and then he was in Spock’s arms, or maybe Spock was in his arms. Or they were melting together, their mouths and hands and hips. And he was in Spock’s bed and there were blinding flashes of light, and then he was happy, so happy, he was giddy and laughing and there was no darkness at all. And Spock, well, he wasn’t smiling, but his face was open and light and it was everything that Jim had wanted.

  
 **Aftermath**

Kirk was covered in sweat, his body shaking. He’d already gotten sick more than once. Bones held him tightly, stroked his hair, and whispered “Tell me.” Kirk closed his eyes, and felt hot tears slide down his cheeks.

The worst thing was, Kirk didn’t even know why he was like this. Was he like this because he was here with Bones, because he loved Bones so much that he couldn’t bear what he had done? Or was he like this because he wasn’t with Spock, because he loved Spock so much that he couldn’t bear to be apart from him?

  
 **Ready Room Therapy**

“So, Captain, about your issues…”  
“Nicely put, Uhura.”

“I suppose you want me to suggest a few more brilliant solutions?”  
“Nah. I gave up on that a while ago. Now I just enjoy our little talks.”

“Captain, I’m a bit worried that this…thing…is going to begin affecting the ship or our missions.”  
“Really? Have you noticed any changes to the atmosphere on the Bridge?”  
“Well…no.”  
“That’s right. I’m good at compartmentalizing. We all are.”  
“But eventually it will start taking its toll.”  
“Maybe.”

“So…has being on the couch helped you work through things?”  
“Not at all, Uhura, not at all.”


	2. Ruins

**Building**

1.

Jim tries to be lighthearted about the whole thing, tries to keep things in the open by bringing them together. He grins as he shows them the old-fashioned calendar, his handwriting assigning the days – “Spock, Bones, Spock, Bones.” He’ll go to them, of course. Every fifth night he’ll spend alone in his quarters – “gotta take a break sometime,” he jokes. He asks them what they think.

“It is the most logical arrangement, given the circumstances,” is Spock’s response. Bones crosses his arms and nods curtly.

“Great!” He stands up and turns to go. His cheeks hurt from smiling.

He stops calling out their names. He used to love doing that, crying “Fuck, Bones, yes” as he climaxed, panting “oh god, Spock” as he came.

But nothing can turn a moment from burning hot to ice cold faster than gasping out the wrong name. Even just a “Sp-” or “Bo-“ on the wrong night brings everything to a screeching halt, and laying side by side staring at the ceiling has never been Jim’s idea of a good time. So he learns quickly, stops saying their names altogether, and if either one of them notices, neither says a word.

3.

Jim talks to them about each other, he can’t help it. For one thing, there’s no one else – not even Uhura will listen. Spock listens and responds from the distance that his defenses provide him. Bones listens, too, and comforts or nods in understanding, as circumstances demand. There is a limit, however, and Jim is coming close to it, he doesn’t realize, but he’s pushing at it, and when he reaches the limit, Bones will snap. Spock won’t snap, but he’ll withdraw even further, away from the uneasy camaraderie that they had come so close to, in the beginning.

 **The Ruins**

4.

The planet is uninhabited, but it looks like something used to be there. There’s a momentary question of whether the atmosphere is breathable. It is, as long as they don’t stay on the surface for too long. They beam down into a tangle of jungle, but they were right – there is something there, something that was – a city of sorts, in ruins. Its been abandoned, or maybe it simply outlasted its builders – it’s impossible to tell which. With its temples and grand houses, it must have been something special, but all that remains is an empty shell.

5.

The ruins are impressive, massive blocks of stone decorated with intricate carvings and obscured by climbing vines. Jim pulls back a curtain of ivy to reveal a crumbling archway and a grand stairway to nowhere, flanked by fallen stone balustrades. “It must have been so beautiful,” Jim says, wonder in his voice.

“I guess this is what happens when you don’t give something the attention it deserves,” says Bones, running his hand along the wall.

Jim glances at him sharply. Bones holds his gaze.

“Is there something you want to say to me?”

“No.” He hasn’t reached his limit yet.

6.

In the end, Jim starts it, fighting Bones, fighting his silence.  
“You hate this.”  
Bones says nothing, leans against the crumbling wall.  
“Dammit Bones, Spock may not show his emotions, but at least he has them!”  
“What do you want from me?”  
“Tell me you love me.”  
“You know I do.”  
“Then why can’t I feel it?”  
“Jim, I let this happen. I had every right to leave you, months ago.”  
“I know. I know,” he says, clinging to Bones, sobbing into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Bones.”  
Bones puts one arm around him, holds him tightly, staring out at the ruins.

 **Crumbling**

7.

Jim starts feeling ill on his nights alone. He tries to sleep, tossing and turning until his stomach churns and he breaks out in a cold sweat. Soon he begins to forego his alone nights altogether, climbing into bed with one or the other, clinging to a warm body, then sliding his hand up a thigh or slipping it under a waistband. He needs the sex, needs the physical closeness, needs the intensity of release. And they are there for him, as always, and if either one of them notices that he has broken the pattern, neither says a word.

8.  
It’s funny, or it would be, if Jim was still laughing. He thinks to himself how similar the two of them are, in some ways. Both mask their emotions, Bones covering his with a gruff exterior, Spock holding his behind a passive expression. Both are obsessed with logic, really. Bones won’t admit it, but it shows through, in his fear of space and his consent to this little arrangement. Both would do anything for him, even if it means putting themselves at risk. Both would do anything for him, and they already have, and that’s where it stops being funny.

9.

They’ve started talking to each other, and this terrifies Jim. He sees the future. In it they will find things more important to them than Jim Kirk. Or maybe they already have, things they’ve left behind for him – a species, a daughter. Are they deciding which one will leave him, or which one will leave him first?

He catches them in sickbay, talking, serious. He’s torn between running away and grabbing onto them and never letting go. He opts for a cordial nod, which they return, and turns to leave. Their eyes follow him, and it almost feels good.

 **Foundation**

10.

They return to the ruins one last time. Jim finds himself in an overgrown courtyard, flanked by Spock and Bones. “It appears that construction was abandoned before it could be completed,” observes Spock. Jim sits on a step, tired. Spock and Bones look at each other, and Jim braces himself as they approach. Spock sits, puts an arm around him. Jim lets himself slump and Spock holds him close. Bones sits too, leans his forehead to Jim’s shoulder, runs a hand through Jim’s hair. Jim takes a deep breath. He doesn’t know what this is, but it’s not the end.  



	3. Danger

**  
Battle**

1.

The Enterprise was being fired upon, and Jim remembered how much he had once loved to fight. He fell hard against a console and scrambled up, adrenaline pumping in his veins. But fighting wasn’t as fun anymore, not when he cared. Not when he was peering frantically into the thick smoke and not when he finally saw Spock, on the ground, green blood trickling from his temple. He heard himself shouting orders, some part of his brain making decisions, and apparently they were the right ones, because the shooting stopped and he could hear the sound of his heart pounding.

  
He took Spock to sickbay himself, supporting him as they made their way through the smoky corridors. Spock was groggy, disoriented, his head injury worse than it appeared. Sickbay was teeming with people, but those that could move got out of his way and he lay Spock down on an empty bed. Bones was at his side in an instant. “Bones. Fix him,” he said, not taking his eyes off Spock. Bones nodded, but he was sick with fear at the thought, “What if I can’t?” He ignored the other question that lurked in his mind – “What if I don’t?”  
 **  
Explosion**

3.

It had been a fucking diplomatic mission, but Jim had never seen so much blood. Bones was torn open and Jim was barely holding it together as they beamed into sickbay. Spock was there, thank God, lifting Bones onto a bed, calling for the nurses. “Spock,” Jim said weakly. “We have to fix him.”

“Jim, the likelihood of his survival is-“

Jim raged at him. “Don’t you fucking give me odds, Spock! Just FIX HIM!” Jim ran his hands through his hair, frantic.

“He’s hanging on by a thread, Captain,” called Nurse Chapel.

Jim’s eyes were damp. “So am I.”

4.

Jim was looking at him, his eyes desperate.

“It would be an unforgivable violation of his privacy… and of yours.”

“We have no secrets from you, Spock. Please.”

Spock reached out hesitantly, placed the tips of his fingers on the doctor’s face. He glanced up – Jim nodded his consent. Spock closed his eyes and reached into McCoy's mind. Jim waited impatiently – he supposed a crash course in trauma surgery might take longer than the usual mind meld. Then Spock pulled his hand away and shouted orders to the nurses, giving them what they needed to put Bones back together.

5.

Spock sat down, shaking. He had tried to keep his mind focused, seeking whatever he could find to help bring Bones back. Still, he couldn’t help but feel it - behind the medical textbooks and surgical techniques pulsed a love for Jim that was so all-encompassing, so vast, that it had made Spock’s heart hurt. He wondered if his own love for Jim ran so deep, if Bones had felt it too, if he would even remember.

His question was answered two days later when Bones’ eyes finally fluttered open. “Jim,” he whispered, then “Spock.” They locked eyes. “Thank you.”

 **Disease**

6.

"He wouldn’t listen when I told him space was full of disease."

They watched Jim through the window of the quarantine room. He'd picked up the parasites on some godforsaken planet, and they were killing him.

Jim faded in and out of consciousness. He thought about dying. He hoped Spock and Bones were nearby. He hoped they were getting along. He was dying, and all he cared about was whether Spock and Bones were getting along. He thought about laughing. He hoped they’d be okay without him. He wanted to tell them he loved them. He didn’t want to die.

7.

“What if I can’t fix him?”

“Doctor, despite your considerable skill, there is a 92.5% chance that he will not survive.”

Bones looked at him. “You’re one lucky bastard, you know that?”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Look, I know you have feelings - Jim's drilled that into my head - but burying them so deeply… must make things easier."

"It is not easy. However, were I to allow myself access to my emotions, the consequences could be… dangerous.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it is highly likely that I would be ripping that door off its hinges right now.”

8.

"Will it work?"

"I don't know, Spock, you tell me, you're the one always spouting the odds."

"I admit, I am... unsure how to assess the success rate of this cure."

"Cure, right. Good name for it. It's poison, is what it is. It’ll kill the parasites, or it’ll kill Jim. Or both."

He looked at Spock, then held the hypospray to Jim's neck. His hand shook. He inhaled, closed his eyes - and pulled his hand away. "I can't."

"Doctor. We must do this. It is his only chance." Spock held out his hand. Bones gave him the hypospray.

9.

The turbolift opened and Bones stepped onto the bridge. "Spock." Spock found himself strangely reluctant to turn his head, knowing that the doctor's expression would reveal everything. When he did look, he saw relief, naked and raw on McCoy's face. Bones nodded, his eyes glistening. "He's awake." His voice was rough.

In the turbolift, Bones watched Spock. "Spock. You're shaking."

"Doctor-" Spock's voice was choked.

Bones put a tentative hand on his shoulder. Spock turned towards him, leaning into the touch. Bones tugged him closer and wrapped his arms around him, whispered in his ear, "We're going to be okay."

 **Accident**

10.

The accident left the three of them shaken, but not hurt. Others weren’t so lucky, and Bones had spent ten hectic hours in sickbay. He leaned his forehead against the door to his empty quarters.

Jim and Spock were in bed, talking softly, when the door buzzed. Bones entered, looking haggard. Jim got out up, went to him, drew him into his arms and held him tightly, then pulled back, apologizing. “Bones, I was going to-“ Bones shook his head, nodded towards the bed. Jim took his hand and led him over. Spock lifted the covers, and they climbed in.


	4. Close

**To Sleep**

 **1.**  
Kirk had spent twenty-four hours on the Bridge, struggling to remain awake as they were held in orbit, waiting to find out whether the planetary guard would blow them to smithereens or invite them down for lunch. Spock had stayed with him, and was considerably more alert, so when they were informed that the honorary banquet would be held the following day, Spock pulled an exhausted Captain from his chair and led him to the turbolift. Bones met them on Deck 5, and motioned them toward his quarters.

“Your place is too fucking hot, Spock.”

That was the second time.

 **2.**  
It was one year into their mission, and no one wanted to be alone.

Extra shifts, chess games after dinner, anything to avoid returning to empty quarters.

It was hard to go back to an empty room, to breathe in Jim's scent one night, cling to a pillow the next. And you could make yourself believe that it was just the two of you, even though three wasn't so bad. As inscrutable as Spock could be, Bones knew him, and to know and be known was a comfort, as they journeyed through the darkness, where nothing at all was known.

 **3.**  
They lay in bed, waiting for sleep to come. Or, waiting for Jim to stop talking.  
“Hey guys, how come we didn’t do this earlier?”  
“Spock snores,” Bones mumbled into his pillow.  
Spock reached over Jim and poked Bones in the side.  
Bones lifted his head. “Seriously? I ask you, was that a logical response?”  
Jim sat up slightly. “Are you two…flirting?”  
“Just tell Spock to keep his Vulcan fingers on his side of the bed, please.”  
“Oh, okay, you’re not flirting, _you’re five_.”  
“Can we sleep now, or is it still party time?”  
“It’s always party time in Jim Kirk’s bed.”

 **Perchance  
**  
 **4.**  
At times, Jim couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the empty loneliness of space. And that was when he needed them close, needed both of them within his reach, anchoring him.

He lay between them and thought that there was no place he would rather be. He took their hands, placed them on his chest, fitting them together like puzzle pieces.

"Jim?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't push it."  
"What?"  
"This is as far as I'm going with Spock."  
"You say that now."  
"Jim, I must reiterate Dr. McCoy’s statement. This is the extent of our physical relationship."  
"You guys are no fun."

 **5.**  
"Jim, are you out of your mind? The answer is no."  
"I must agree with Dr. McCoy."  
"Come on, you guys! Live a little!"  
"No. You are not going to get us drunk and see if we'll kiss."  
"It is very difficult to even get a Vulcan drunk."  
"Now Spock, you know I consider that a challenge."  
"Seriously Spock, do you really need to give him more incentive?"  
"Okay, spoil sports. Fine. You probably wouldn’t kiss anyway.  
"Jim, reverse psychology is not going to work on us.”  
“We are very perceptive.”  
“The puppy-dog eyes won’t work either.”  
“You guys suck.”

 **6.**  
Jim was surprised to find Bones in Spock’s room after his shift.

"Bones! What are you doing here? I thought you didn't know how to play chess."  
"I don't. Spock's teaching me."  
"Dr. McCoy is a terrible student."  
Bones pointed a finger at him across the chessboard. "Watch it, mister. We're playing horseshoes tomorrow. I will take you down."  
"I have an idea for something all three of us could do together," Jim interjected cheerfully.  
They answered him with a simultaneous and emphatic "No."  
"What? It's not sex!"  
“What is it then?”  
Jim looked down, pouting. “Okay, it was sex.”

 **To Dream**

 **7.**  
Bones got in late, slipped into bed beside Jim. Jim slid an arm around him, kissed him quietly. Bones grabbed Jim’s hand, slid it down. Jim pressed against the hardness he felt there. Bones bucked into his palm. Jim stilled him, whispered, “Spock might hear.”

“Jim…please.”

Jim eased the zipper down, gripped his cock, stroked him slowly, then faster as Bones lifted his hips, wanting more. Jim heard his breath hitch as he came, felt slick wetness coating his hand.

Spock bit his fist and ground his erection into the mattress. That was the hottest thing he had ever seen.

 **8.**  
Bones had imagined what it was like between Jim and Spock. A power struggle, a quick and dirty release, a violence that would leave Jim open-mouthed and panting.

So when he caught sight of them on the observation deck, he was stunned into stillness. Jim’s hands were on Spock's waist, and he was smiling, God he looked so happy. And they kissed so gently, and Spock wrapped Jim in his arms, and a hint of a smile tugged the corner of Spock’s mouth. And then Jim turned serious, kissed Spock harder, ground their hips together, and Bones couldn't look away.

 **9.**  
Jim was straddling Bones' lap in the medical office when the door opened behind him. Bones stood, pushing Jim roughly to the floor.

"Shit, that really hurt," Jim said, looking up. Spock stood in the doorway. "Christ, Bones, it's just Spock!"

"Sorry, Spock," Bones was saying nervously.

"There is no need to be sorry, Doctor."

"Yeah, Doctor," said Jim, rubbing his hip. “Spock didn’t seem to mind when he was watching me get you off the other night.”

Spock flushed.

“Sorry, Bones. But I also happen to know that you’ve given a whole new meaning to the term _observation_ deck.”

 **10.**  
Spock found Bones and Jim eating dinner together in the mess hall. He nodded to Jim in greeting, then looked at Bones. “Thank you, Doctor.”

Bones glared at him.

“Thank you… Bones.”

Bones nodded, avoiding Jim’s eyes as Spock walked away.

“Um, what just happened?” Jim asked, blue eyes wide.

Bones mumbled something as he took another bite of food.

“I’m sorry?”

“I gave him the access code to my quarters,” he repeated quietly. “And I told him to quit calling me Doctor. We’ve been sleeping in the same bed, for crissakes.”

“Bones…”

Bones allowed a small smile. “You’re welcome.”


	5. Apart

1.  
“I’ll only be gone for two weeks.”  
“I expect that we will engage in frequent communications.”  
“I’ll miss you, too, Spock.”  
“I regret that I am unable to accompany you to the transporter room.”  
“It’s okay. I’m a big boy.”

“I’ll only be gone for two weeks.”  
“Yeah, yeah. Get the hell out of here, will ya?”  
“I’ll miss you, too, Bones.”  
“Don’t expect me to come kiss you goodbye in the transporter room, either!”  
“I think I can deal.”

Bones nearly crashed into Spock at the door to the transporter room. Jim grinned at them as he beamed away.

2.  
That first night, they slept in Jim’s bed, forgetting momentarily that there was any other way.

But the space between them was a vivid reminder of Jim’s place in their universe, the bright, beautiful center of gravity that kept them from spinning out of control.

When Bones reached out for Jim in his sleep, his hand brushed Spock’s heated skin, and he pulled back as though burned.

They told themselves – it was only two weeks. They were adults. They had jobs to do. There had been a time before Jim.

None of it worked.

The next night, they slept alone.

3.  
“Uhura. Status report. How’s my girl?”  
“The Enterprise is fine, Captain.”  
“How are my boys?”  
“Actually, we have kind of a situation up here.”  
“Shit. Are they fucking or fighting?”  
“The latter.”  
“Dammit. What’s the damage?”  
“They have matching black eyes. Actually, it’s kinda cute.”  
“Take a picture for me. And then tell them to knock it the fuck off.”  
“I don’t think they’ll listen to me. Tell them yourself.”  
“And let on that I’m getting updates on them behind their backs? I don’t think so.”  
“See you in a week, Captain.”  
“Hope I can wait that long. Kirk out.”

  
4.  
It had been easy to ignore the women on campus, easy to ignore the boredom during hours of training. It was harder to ignore the empty bed and the green-eyed cadet who wanted to fill it. With one smile, he offered Jim what he thought he’d missed – sex without connection, without tension, without whatever-the-hell-it-was that was going on up there. Then the cadet kissed him sweetly, and Jim felt acutely the absence of sensation, of the bond that was as strong with Bones as it was with Spock. He bought the cadet another drink and returned to his room alone.

5.  
Bones appeared on the vid screen.  
“Where’s Spock? I wanted to talk to both of you.”  
“He’s outside the door. I refuse to be in the same room with that pointy-eared bastard.”  
“What the hell happened? I thought you guys were getting along!”  
“Yeah, well, it’s all fun and games until the Vulcan strangles someone.”  
“Jesus, Bones, what did you say to him?”  
Bones crossed his arms.  
“Bones…”  
“I was pissed, okay? I… well, I may have followed your little tutorial on Vulcan provocation.”  
“What? You told him he didn’t love his mother?”  
“I told him he didn’t love you.”

6.  
"What did you say to him, Spock?”  
"I told him he was scared of losing you."  
"Why?"  
"I perceived it to be the truth."  
"And then?"  
"He told me I would be afraid of losing you, too, if I really loved you."  
Jim saw the line of Spock's jaw tighten. His nostrils flared slightly.  
"Spock. Calm down. Come on. We both know the truth."  
"I am having trouble controlling my emotions, Jim. Please expedite your return."  
"I know, I know. Imagine I'm there, okay? Pretend I'm rubbing your shoulders right now."  
"I do not 'pretend'." But his shoulders relaxed nonetheless.

  
7.  
“Uhura. I need help.”  
“Can I get that in writing?”  
“Funny. Look, I need someone to talk to them. A neutral party. Doesn’t the Enterprise have some sort of counselor?”  
“Doctor McCoy is qualified to provide psychotherapy, evaluation, and emotional support to crewmembers.”  
“HA HA! Ha. Sorry. That’s just…wow. Really?”  
“Captain, permission to speak freely?”  
“Uhura, I’m bitching to you that I’m in a love spat with two of my officers. I think you can say whatever the hell you want.”  
“You’re going to have to handle this one on your own, Kirk.”  
“Dammit, I was afraid you’d say that.”

8.  
“Now listen to me, both of you. I miss you, so much. I love you. And when I get back, I’m going to fuck each of you so hard into the mattress that you'll miss at least two shifts getting back out.”

He looked at them to gauge the impact of his little speech. Bones was biting his lip. Spock’s eyes had widened slightly.

“But – I will not so much as give you a handshake if you don’t behave yourselves and stop fighting.” He took a deep breath. “We need to get through this… we need to be okay.”

9.  
“What did you say to them, Captain?”  
“Why, what’s going on?”  
“Well, they were really getting along for almost two whole days. It was quite pleasant.”  
“Was…?”  
“There was a little altercation on the Bridge yesterday.”  
“Oh God.”  
“I think Dr. McCoy has a broken arm.”  
“Shit. And Spock?”  
“Got a tooth knocked loose, I think.”  
“Dammit. What were they fighting about?”  
“Supposedly? About Spock’s command decisions.”  
“What’s to command? I left you guys in the most boring part of space ever!”  
“That’s not really what they were fighting about.”  
“Yeah.”  
“With all due respect, Captain…get your ass back here.”

10.  
Jim's stomach clenched with nervous excitement as he prepared to beam aboard.

But his grin faded as he materialized in the transporter room. He had been expecting smiles and sloppy hugs, not scowls, not crossed arms and rigid stances. Bones and Spock were looking at him, their faces utterly serious. Jim had spent the past two weeks picturing the joy in their eyes at his return, and instead he saw sadness mixed with pain.

"This isn't working, Jim."

"I agree that our arrangement is no longer logical."

Bones said the words that echoed across Jim's nightmares. "You have to choose."


	6. Choice

1.  
“Reporting for duty, Captain.”  
“Thank you, Commander.”

They nodded curtly to each other as Spock stepped off the turbolift onto the Bridge.

They had always claimed they could do this – run the ship without distraction, leave the complexities of their relationships off the Bridge. And so far, they always had. But now, between their locked gazes, there flashed a moment of doubt. Could they really go on, making decisions as if their hearts didn’t ache, acting as if the captain’s fists weren’t clenched tightly on the armrests of his chair?

Uhura closed her eyes and hoped desperately that they could.

2.  
Bones’ hands shook as he re-organized the hyposprays for the fifth time. At least he could avoid the icy atmosphere of the Bridge. For a moment he almost felt bad for Spock. Then he remembered how this whole thing had started – Spock, strutting around like a cocky bastard, so certain, so sure that some invisible bond was holding them together, could hold Jim to him like some fucking pre-destined soulmate.

Okay, so maybe Spock hadn’t actually been strutting.

Bones couldn’t deny what he himself felt when he touched Jim, that tangible connection, as real as Jim’s skin under his fingertips.

3.  
“If this had ever been an option, I would have figured it out by now. Bones, how can you ask me to choose, when you know…”  
“That you won’t choose me?”  
“That’s not what I meant.” Jim wrapped Bones tightly in his arms. “I could never let you go.”

***

Spock had seen his mother cry, tears streaming down her face, her body shaking with sobs. But he had never experienced her sadness as he did Jim’s, had never understood how it felt to have your heart divided in two. Had never held so tightly to someone and hoped so hard.

4.  
Uhura gripped Spock firmly by the arm and yanked him into sickbay. She glared at McCoy, then at Spock. “Fuck you. And fuck you. Fuck you both.” She threw a PADD onto the biobed between them.

Bones picked it up. “You hacked into the Captain’s private communications network?”

“That’s the least of your problems right now, McCoy. The least of all our problems.”

Bones looked at the blinking message.

“To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Admiral Barnett  
CLASSIFIED

Your request to lead the combat team to Chaiya has been approved.  
Please report to the USS Vigilant one week from today.”

5.  
"This is what you want?" Bones was yelling. "You want to go and get yourself killed?"

Jim was calm, his voice flat. "You told me I had to choose. This is my choice."

"That's not what I meant - Jim, you can't-"

"No, I _can’t_!” Now he was yelling, too. "I know what I asked of you, what I put you both through. And I'm sorry. But what you’re asking of me…” His voice broke. “I just can’t.” He looked up wearily. “I won’t get myself killed. I just need to leave.”

“To leave us.”

“You’ve left me no choice.”

6.  
“Dr. McCoy. This is an unexpected surprise. How are things aboard the Enterprise?”  
“Admiral Barnett, with all due respect… are you out of your mind?”  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“You can’t seriously let Jim Kirk leave the Enterprise to join a combat mission.”  
“Captain Kirk has proven himself quite capable in combat situations. I expect he will be a valuable leader in what happens to be a classified mission - how do you know about this?”  
“He’s on a suicide mission, do you understand me? He is trying to get himself killed here.”  
“Now why would he do that, Doctor?”

7.  
“Commander Spock. How nice to hear from you.”  
“Admiral Barnett, I must request a favor of you.”  
“A favor?”  
“Please rescind your approval of Captain Kirk’s request to join a combat mission.”  
“Spock, this is an opportunity for you. You do understand that you’ll be captain in his absence?”  
“With all due respect, sir, I will not captain the Enterprise.”  
“Are you aware that Dr. McCoy has approached me with a similar request?”  
“Dr. McCoy has contacted you regarding this matter?”  
“He has. Am I correct in assuming that this involves… how shall I say this… matters of the heart?”

8.  
“You told Barnett.”  
“I didn’t tell him.”  
“In that case, he is very perceptive.”  
“I may have… implied.”  
“Doctor…”  
“I wasn’t explicit, okay? I just… I was trying to be persuasive.”  
“Your actions could place our careers in jeopardy.”  
“What’s more important, Spock, our careers or-“  
“Jim.”  
“Yeah. Exactly. Look, Spock, I want to tell you that… I’m sorry. About everything.”  
“I am sorry as well.”  
Spock reached out, then hesitated, his hand hovering above the doctor’s shoulder.  
Bones reached up to pull Spock’s hand the rest of the way, gripping it for a moment.  
“Can he ever forgive us?”

9.  
“Commander. Doctor. Starfleet has determined that the Captain’s services for the Chaiyan combat mission are no longer required.”

Bones exhaled in relief.

“Have you informed the captain?”  
“I sent him a message. I have not received his response.”

Spock ended the transmission, and they ran.

There was no response at the locked door of Jim’s quarters. Bones’ override code didn’t work. Spock pushed him aside and pulled his phaser, blasting the control panel. The door slid open.

They found him sitting in the corner like a child, amidst the wreckage of his room. His blue eyes were dark with anguish.

10.  
Spock grabbed Jim by the front of his shirt, lifted him up, and tossed him unceremoniously onto the bed. He struggled to sit up, protesting. Bones put a hand over Jim’s mouth and threw a leg over his thighs, pinning him. Spock slid onto the bed, pressing against Jim’s other side, twisting a hand in Jim’s hair. The three of them lay still for a moment, catching their breath. Jim’s eyes were wide with confusion. Bones opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come. He gave Spock a pleading look.

  
“Jim. We have made an error in judgment."


	7. Touch

1.  
“We would like to apologize,” Spock said, his lips brushing Jim’s temple.  
“We’re idiots, Jim.” Bones took his hand off Jim’s mouth.  
Jim made a sound between a laugh and a sob. “I hate you guys,” he said, his voice unsteady.  
Spock closed his eyes and a flash of pain crossed his face.  
“Spock,” Jim whispered. “I’m kidding.”  
He leaned up to catch Spock’s lips in a kiss, then turned to Bones and did the same.  
Then Bones looked across Jim at Spock and reached over to pull him close for a swift, soft kiss.  
Jim smiled through his tears.

2.  
“There’s something else we should tell you,” said Bones, pressing a kiss into his hair.  
“What’s that?”  
“Admiral Barnett may kind of know about… us.”  
Jim lifted his head slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Well, the entire crew of the Enterprise is gonna know a lot more about us if you guys don’t close the door.”  
Bones scrambled for the door, and pulled the control panel open. There was a spark and the door slid shut. “Oops.” He looked at them, apologetic. “We may be in here for a while.”  
Jim smiled and dropped his head back. “Fine by me.”

3.  
They lay on either side of him, holding him tightly, trailing kisses across his cheeks and down his jaw, whispering in his ears words like _want you_ and _need you_ and _love you_ and _stay_. And Jim felt like he might explode or implode or burn up or something and he closed his eyes and wondered if he was worthy of this love, if he was worth the pain that had so far come with it. And as the thought formed, shrouded in hope and doubt, he felt echoing through his mind two voices, two thoughts, that answered “ _you are_.”

4.  
They moved easily, as though it had already been decided that Spock would slip Jim’s shirt over his head, that Bones would pull off Jim’s boots and tug his trousers down. As though they had always known that Bones would wrap a hand around Jim, gently at first, and that Spock would slide a long finger into Jim’s mouth, moaning at the sensation of Jim’s warm tongue on his skin. Jim felt their choreography play across his skin, as Bones stroked him faster, and as Spock slid a finger into him, bringing him to a trembling, gasping climax between them.

5.  
As Jim arched his back and cried out, Bones felt a wave of blinding pleasure surge through him, and he saw Spock shudder with his own release.  
Their eyes met.  
“Spock, I… I felt that.”  
“As did I.”  
“How is that possible?”  
“The bond that Vulcans share with their mates… perhaps its effect has extended from Jim to you, joining the three of us together.”  
“I guess I have too much love for just one person,” Jim said, and he was only half-joking, and Bones buried his face in Jim’s neck, because he had always known this to be true.

6.  
Jim pulled Bones’ shirt off roughly and kissed him hard, a crash of teeth and tongues. There was a desperation to it, desire clashing with a reminder of anger and pain. Jim pushed Bones facedown onto the mattress and paused, his cock brushing against Bones’ entrance. Bones shuddered beneath him, waiting for Jim to take what he wanted.  
“Jim… please.” His voice was raw with need.  
Jim gripped his waist.  
“Tell me you won’t leave me.”  
“Never.” Jim pressed closer.  
“Tell me you won’t make me choose.”  
“I swear.”  
Jim thrust into him, sealing the promise with pleasure and pain.

7.  
Bones came with a harsh cry and Jim collapsed beside him, holding him tightly and whispering that he was sorry. Jim’s kisses were forgiveness and apology and gratitude and velvet comfort on his skin.

Bones relaxed into Jim’s arms, so familiar, yet different now, as it would always be. As the sweat cooled on his skin, he shivered, and Spock was there to press against him, to let the heat of his body flow through them. And Bones found comfort in the thought that Jim would always have this, that they had this, that they would be okay after all.

8.  
Spock had asked for nothing, and Jim wanted to give him everything.

“Spock.” Jim cupped his hands around Spock’s face, pulling him close, kissing his forehead, his cheekbones, mouthing at his jawline. “Spock, Spock.” He repeated his name over and over, pressing his lips against Spock’s neck, against his throat and chest and stomach and thighs. He ran his tongue along sensitive skin, tasting heat, teasing.

When he finally took Spock into his mouth, he did so hungrily, as though it were the first time, his heart racing and skin flushed, giddy with the power to make Spock come undone.

9.  
Bones sprawled on his side, watching idly as Jim wrapped his lips around Spock. He traced Spock’s ear with a fingertip, smirking as Spock inhaled sharply and jerked his hips, pressing himself farther into Jim's mouth.

Spock was squeezing his eyes shut, one hand on the back of Jim's head, thrusting now with abandon. He panted Jim's name, and then "Bones," pleading, and Bones leaned closer and flicked his tongue across the tip of Spock's ear. Then Spock came with an animal cry, tensing, pulsing into Jim's mouth for a long moment and falling back, spent and exhausted and shy.

10.  
Bones climbed off the bed.  
“Hey. Where are you going?”  
“To take a shower.”  
“I thought you promised never to leave me.”  
Bones rolled his eyes. “Jim, please tell me I can leave you long enough to take a shower.”  
Jim scrambled off the bed, pulling Spock with him. “Yeah, okay. Just... not today. Not yet.”

Scotty’s voice crackled over the intercom. “Captain. I’ve got a warning light here tellin’ me your door lock has malfunctioned. Want me to fix that?”  
Jim smiled as he dragged Spock into the shower. “Thanks Scotty, but… I think it can wait until tomorrow.”


	8. Measured

1.  
The official reprimand came as no surprise. What did come as a surprise was that the reprimand took place in Admiral Pike’s office and consisted of a two-minute lecture on discretion, a reminder not to “think with their cocks,” and a champagne toast to their continued happiness.

“Just… try to tone down the drama up there, okay? It would be a damn shame if Lieutenant Uhura got an ulcer trying to keep you three in check."

They stood in shock for a moment, matching eyebrows raised, before they remembered their manners and drank, tasting relief and gratitude in every sip.

2.  
"And of course, Starfleet will ensure that the three of you are placed together on future assignments."  
"Seriously? What, you have, like, a policy for that?"  
"You think you're the first Captain this has ever happened to?"  
"Um, yes?"  
"Yeah, okay, you may have a point. Still, we're not in the Stone Age here. Hell, we're not in the 21st century. Starfleet recognizes the importance of bonds that form between crewmates - some a little stronger than others, apparently - and we'll do our damndest to make sure those connections remain in place.”  
“So will we, Admiral. So will we.”

3.  
Pike’s admonition not to think with their cocks was forgotten, as Bones fucked Jim over a sun-warmed boulder while they waited for night to fall.  
Afterwards, they lay contentedly on the sand. “Bones, this is the best vacation ever.”  
“Dammit Jim, it’s a hostage rescue mission, not a vacation.”  
“Could’ve fooled me.”

Twenty-four hours later, their mission successfully concluded, the grateful queen offered them food and rest in her luxurious palace. Jim looked to Bones, who shook his head, and Jim graciously refused the offer. Outside, Bones’ gaze turned immediately to the sky.  
“I miss him, too. Let’s go home.”

4.  
Sometimes, Bones remembered when it was just the two of them, and thought it might be nice to have Jim to himself again. Like now, as Spock leaned over them, shaking them out of a deep, warm sleep at some godawful hour for something about routine scans. Jim would have decided to sleep in, or maybe woken him with soft, sleepy kisses. But then Spock was thrusting a cup of hot coffee into his hands and he took a sip and tasted just the right amount of bourbon and saw that Spock had made Jim hot chocolate, and he smiled.

5.  
Always, the dream began with Spock on the operating table, green blood everywhere.

Some nights, Bones worked frantically to fix him, hands skilled, technique flawless, but the bleeding wouldn’t stop, and he heard himself call time of death. Those were bad dreams.

Other nights, Bones stood with arms crossed, or idly straightened racks of hyposprays, taking inventory while Spock bled out in front of him. Those were nightmares.

Always, Bones awoke with an anguished cry.

Always, Spock soothed him, saying "Bones, I'm here." Then Bones would clutch his hand and kiss his palm and always, inexplicably, say "I'm sorry, Jim."

6.  
Sometimes, Spock found himself missing something he had never had, an illogical, puzzling feeling, the shadow of a memory of a dream. For certainly, he had never known Jim without Bones, without understanding what they had, without sensing Bones in the back of Jim’s thoughts, always, always. So how did he know what it felt like to be all that Jim needed? How could he miss looking into Jim’s eyes and knowing that he was alone in Jim’s thoughts? Ninety-seven percent of the time, Spock held these images at bay. But three percent of the time… he let himself remember.

7.  
Sometimes, Spock’s heart betrayed him, flooding over logic like bile rising in his throat. Like now, as Jim told him over the comm that he would be late, he had something to take care of, and Spock knew something had happened in sickbay, knew this was inevitable, but still, his heart flashed bitter jealousy, asked _why_ and _what if_. But then Jim was asking him to come to sickbay and Spock was there, his hand on Bones’ shoulder, and he could _feel_ the doctor’s pain slipping away under Jim’s words, and his heart forgot its questions, and so did he.

8.  
Jim had never wanted to be alone, so he’d mostly spent his alone time throwing cars off cliffs or drinking enough to make the next fight interesting. Now, he never had to be alone, and sometimes it was just too much, the responsibility of being everything to two people at once. Because when you’re everyone to someone, they don’t want to lose you and they don’t want to do anything that might make you leave and they spend their time trying to figure out what you want, trying to make you happy. But sometimes it just makes you feel alone.

9.  
Which is why Jim frowned at the sight of Bones and Spock lounging in their quarters, acting desperately casual, like they weren’t waiting for him.  
“What’s wrong, Jim?”  
“That. That’s what’s wrong. Always asking if I’m okay, like I’m some fragile thing you have to handle with care. Like I’m on a fucking pedestal.”  
Spock looked at Bones. “He certainly has a high opinion of himself,” Spock said drily.  
Bones raised an eyebrow. “It’s as if he thinks we care about his feelings or something.”  
They looked at Jim. He took a deep breath and half-smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s better.”

10.  
Jim lounged in his seat in the mess, trying desperately to act like he wasn’t waiting for them. Bones got there first, sliding in across from him, asking where he’d been all day. Jim answered as Spock sat down, giving Jim’s shoulder a squeeze that said the last six hours on the Bridge had been hell without him.

When you’re everyone to someone, they miss you when you’re not there and they don’t want you to be alone. And sometimes it seemed like it could be too much, being everything to two people at once. But sometimes, it was perfect.


	9. Warmth

**12.22.2268**  
“Jim. It is not logical to believe that you will succeed in this endeavor.”  
“Shut up, Spock. Don’t doubt me.”  
“I am simply pointing out that previous attempts to replicate an entire roasted turkey have been...”  
“A disaster, yeah. But this year, I had Scotty reprogram the entire system. It’ll work.”  
Bones’ voice came over the comm, sounding strained.  
“Spock… dammit… Spock, if you could please get your ass to my quarters as fast as Vulcanly possible, it would be much appreciated.” They heard a thump and a whimper, then silence.  
Jim raised an eyebrow. “What was that all about?”

 **12.22.2278**  
It was the usual story. Ice planet, critical mission, snowstorm, avalanche, busted communicators, atmospheric interference, a shallow cave their only protection from the elements, and possibly monsters.  
Spock removed his gloves, fumbling at the fastenings of his jacket.  
“What are you doing?”  
Spock motioned toward Bones, who was already shivering violently. They sat, Bones curled up against Spock’s chest, and Spock closed the jacket around them. Jim scooted close.  
“We’re too old for this,” Bones muttered between chattering teeth.  
“Don’t worry, Bones. They’re coming for us.”  
“Who?”  
“Someone younger and more spry, I hope.”  
“Hope they get here by Christmas.”

 **12.23.2268**  
“Just… keep him out of the Rec Room, okay?”  
“I’ll try.”

“Hey Uhura, did you see Spock or Bones in there?”  
“Nope!”  
 _“No! Stop it! Goddammit!”_  
“Really? ‘Cause that sure sounded like Bones. What are they doing?”  
“Sparring.”  
“Oooh, hot!”  
“I don’t think you should go in there, Captain.”  
“Why the hell not? If I can’t watch my boyfriends grapple shirtlessly with each other, then what’s point?”  
 _“Please cease that behavior immediately!”_  
“Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Spock that pissed. At least, not when he wasn’t talking to me.”  
“Still want to go in there?”  
“On second thought, maybe I’ll come back later…”

 **12.23.2278**  
Jim was up, moving around their little cave, trying to regain some circulation. “Why do we always get stranded on a fucking ice planet? Why don’t we ever get stranded on, say, a tropical beach planet?” Jim stomped his feet and flapped his arms as he talked, looking ridiculous. Bones laughed weakly. “What are you laughing at? You look pretty fucking warm in there, all wrapped up in Spock.”  
“It’s nice in here,” Bones murmured. “Like a tropical island.”  
“Screw this,” said Jim, sitting down again. “And just so you both know, when we retire, we’re moving to the Caribbean.”  
 **  
12.24.2268**  
“It’s not worth it, Spock That thing is a menace.”  
“I think we will find the outcome satisfactory.”  
“It can’t possibly be worth it.”  
“What are you two arguing about.”  
“Nothing.”  
“We were simply engaged in a lively discussion.”  
“You’re a terrible liar, Spock.”  
“Jim, how are things coming along for tomorrow morning?”  
“Amazing. We’re going to have the best Enterprise Christmas ever!”  
“Better than last year?”  
“Bigger tree, better food, more eggnog, Gaila is forbidden from singing Christmas carols, and-“  
“Better presents.”  
“REALLY?! What did you get me?”  
“You know the rules. You have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out.”

 **12.24.2278**  
“S-s-so c-c-cold.” Jim huddled beside Spock, shaking uncontrollably. “Wish I could climb inside your skin to keep warm.” He pressed closer. “Wanna have sex?”  
“Jim. Please do not joke at this time.”  
“J-j-joking is the only thing keeping me going right now,” he said. His face was so numb he couldn’t tell if he was smiling or not. He hoped he was.  
Spock looked at him. “In that case… please continue.”  
“Not sure I c-c-can.” He was sure he wasn’t smiling now.  
“Try, Jim.”  
Jim shifted his legs, tucking them under his body. “Think life without toes will suck?”

 **12.25.2268, 0900**  
The tree was beautiful, but even more beautiful was the sight of the massive wrapped box, and Bones in a Santa hat beside it. Spock stood nervously.  
“Couldn’t get Spock in the Santa hat, eh?”  
“Your gift, Jim.” Spock gestured to the box, which jumped.  
“Did that box jump?”  
“Open the goddamn box, Jim.”  
“Foul-mouthed Santa,” Jim muttered, as he lifted the lid, and was promptly bowled over by an enthusiastic bundle of golden fur. Jim looked up at the slobbering puppy, framed by Spock and Bones looking down at him. He grinned.  
“Merry Christmas, Jim.”  
“I love you guys.”

 **12.25.2278, 0900**  
“Jim.” Spock’s voice was serious. “Please.”  
Jim shook his head violently from where he stood, looking down at them.  
“If I sit down again, I won’t stand back up.”  
“You need my body heat to keep your blood circulating.”  
“No, I don’t. Bones does.”  
McCoy was slumped against Spock, unconscious, his skin turning a pale blue.  
“Jim… I’m afraid the doctor may no longer be benefitting from my warmth.”  
“No!” Jim’s harsh cry was startling loud in the silence of ice and snow. “Don’t say that! Don’t.” He sank to his knees, tears frozen in the corners of his eyes.

 **12.25.2268, 1900**  
“His name is Comet.”  
“Hell no. Everyone names their dog Comet.”  
“Everyone? We’re on a freaking starship, Bones, I don’t see any other golden retrievers around to get confused.”  
Jim lay on the floor, rubbing the dog’s stomach while it – Comet, Bones conceded with an eyeroll – vigorously licked Jim’s face.  
“Spock, I think he’s found a new soulmate.”  
“Indeed.”  
“Hey guys! Think there’s room in the bed for one more?”  
“No!”  
“C’mere.”  
They sat, only half-reluctantly, to join in petting the ecstatic pup. Jim was beaming as he leaned close, whispering into Comet’s ear. “Welcome to the family.”

 **12.25.2278, 1900**  
Jim awoke suddenly, and Spock was there, pressing a warm hand to his shoulder. “Jim. You are on the Enterprise.”  
“Bones…”  
“He is fine.”  
“Fine has variable meanings, Spock, fine is… is…” Jim was frantic, babbling.  
“He will return to his previous condition.”  
Jim squeezed his eyes shut. Thawed tears rolled down his cheeks.  
Jim felt hot breath against his temple and looked over to see wide brown eyes returning his gaze with affection. “Comet!”  
“Knew you cared about that damn dog more than me,” said a gruff voice from the next bed.  
Jim laughed. “Bones, you’re back! Merry Christmas everyone.”


	10. Beyond

1.  
“So, what did you think of the retirement ceremony, Bones?”  
“Still hate ceremonies, still think your ass looks amazing in a dress uniform.”  
“And out of one.”  
“That, too.”  
They walked in silence for a moment.  
“I still can’t believe we’re leaving her behind.”  
“Had to happen sometime, Jim. I’m sure the new crew is more than competent.”  
“Damn. I was really hoping for a ragtag band of rowdy upstarts.”  
“Just so long as they’re not sex-crazed, co-dependent, angsty headcases.”  
“Why not? It worked for us.”  
"I think we were a special case. God, I really hope we were a special case."

2.  
Jim turned around, smiling brightly as they approached, but they could see the paths that tears had been tracing down his cheeks.  
“Thought you sounded too damn chipper back there,” drawled Bones. “I knew your sentimentality would kick in soon enough.  
Jim laughed, but the sound caught in his throat, and he wiped his eyes. He shook his head at them hopelessly, spread his arms to pull them in close.  
“Goddammit, Jim,” said Bones, blinking back his own tears.  
“We’re not really leaving anything behind,” Jim whispered into their embrace.  
Spock’s only response was to hold them a little tighter.

3.  
“So, Spock! How did your meeting with the admirals go?”  
“Starfleet has requested that I accept a position as ambassador.”  
“Well, I suppose we saw that coming, didn’t we?”  
“You’re not leaving us, Spock.”  
“Yeah, please Spock, don’t leave me alone with this crotchety old man.”  
“I could not leave you. I would, however, ask you both to consider joining me.”  
Jim and Bones looked at each other. Bones recognized the beginnings of a smile on Jim’s face.  
“Aw, for crissakes, we’re too old to keep running around in space. What about our place in the Caribbean?”  
“That will be our vacation home.”

4.  
"Spock, won’t there be plenty of time for that... later?"  
They all knew what Bones meant. The Vulcan lifespan was almost twice as long as that of humans.  
Spock closed his eyes momentarily. "Please. We must not speak of the future in this way."  
"Sorry." Bones put a hand on Spock's shoulder.  
"Tell them you'll get back to them, Spock. Tell them we have some important business to attend to first. No need to let on that it involves hammocks, tanning oil, and copious amounts of tequila."  
"Tequila, Jim?"  
"Daquiris for you, Spock. We know how you like your daquiris."

5.  
 _"So... anything promising?"  
"Jim..."  
"Come on, Bones, I haven't asked in over three months!"  
"No, Jim, nothing new."  
"No vitamins, or..?"  
"Jesus Jim, you're already consuming a metric ton of vitamins per day, I think you've got that covered. And you're scheduled for cell regeneration treatments next month."  
"But you said that only adds a few years..."  
"I'm sorry, Jim. But there's nothing else we can do."  
“I hate this.”  
“I know. I wish you wouldn’t get your hopes up.”  
“I can’t help it, Bones, I can’t.” Jim buried his face in his hands. “I want to be here for him, always.”_

6.  
Jim wondered what it would be like for Spock to lose them, tried to imagine living half of his life with only half of his heart. Jim would never have to live without Spock, and when he remembered this, waves of guilt and grief crashed over him and he had to turn away.

Jim reminded himself to focus on what they had, here and now, together and in love and perfect. But every so often, he let himself grieve for Spock, clinging to Bones and sobbing like a child, and wondering if Spock would ever cry when they were gone.

7.  
“Remember the first time I tried to get you guys drunk so you'd kiss?”  
“Oh God. Yes, we remember.”  
“Oh man, remember when I walked in on you guys trying to-“  
“Jim!”  
“Yeah. That was awkward.”

"Hey, remember when we saved Earth?"  
"Which time?"  
"All of them."

“Do you guys ever miss Comet?”  
“Sure. And Comet 2.”  
“What about Comet 3?!”  
“Comet 3 was a tribble, Jim.”

“I confess that I do not understand the logic of this so-called ‘reminiscing’.”  
“Come on, Spock… what’s the point of living a good life if you can’t stop and remember it once in a while?”

8.  
Bones laughed out loud.  
“Spock, you know you look absolutely ridiculous right now, right?”  
Spock was reclining on a chaise lounge in sunglasses and a pair of swim trunks, sipping his strawberry daiquiri through a straw.  
“I am attempting to relax. You are interrupting.”  
Bones grinned and squinted out toward the ocean. “God, look at Jim. Can you believe he’s not 25 anymore?”  
Jim whooped and splashed in the water, silhouetted against the setting sun.  
“Guys, you gotta come out here, the water’s awesome!”  
Spock’s lips quirked up in a half-smile. “If he does not believe it, why must we?”

9.  
Bones felt a trickle of sand against his neck. He cracked an eye open. "Jim, did you just put sand on me?"  
Jim grinned. "Maybe."  
Bones rolled his eyes.  
"Bones, do you miss space?"  
Bones was silent.  
"You do, don't you?"  
"Well, for one, I never had to worry about sand in my hair."  
“Exactly.” Jim shifted in his lounge chair.  
"I did, however, have to worry about you getting blown up from time to time, which I have to say hasn't really been a concern this past month."  
"We're going back up there, you know. We're going with Spock."  
"I know."

10.  
It wasn’t the Enterprise, but they’d long ago learned that it didn’t much matter where they were. They’d visit the Caribbean, and they’d avoid ice planets entirely, but the hum of an engine beneath their feet was almost comforting. This was their ship, and the giddy adrenaline of new adventure radiated around them as they sat close together at the helm, watching space dock recede into the distance.

It wasn’t the Enterprise, but as they lay together that night, on the biggest bed that Starfleet had been able to requisition, Jim was thrilled to realize that it felt like home.


End file.
